Please Forgive Me

I genuinely think that these can be the hardest three words for me to say. I used to think that becoming a more mature or seasoned Christian meant that you would have to say this less, but over time I’m learning that growing closer to God actually means you learn to say this more. I heard Tim Keller say on more than one occasion that “The gospel says you are more sinful and flawed than you ever dared believe, yet more accepted and loved than you ever dared hope.” I’ve heard a lot of people try to succinctly share the Gospel (or Good News of God) in multiple ways, but in my opinion, nothing comes close to this statement. At the start it is devastating news, but at its close it is pure joy and freedom. I am tempted to and often succumb to this idea that I have to mitigate my mistakes and failures, to cover them up, to act like or give the impression that I am more good than I actually am.

The truth is I am often too embarrassed with myself to admit that I still struggle with even basic disciplines of my Christian walk more than I want to say. I’m embarrassed that I don’t have the command over my annoyances and anger that I feel I should by now. I’m not always the husband my wife deserves or always the father my kids need.

I really wanted to go to McDonalds tonight (which is also hard to admit). Fortunately, I was able to find common ground with Joanna who is currently experiencing some back pain. She wanted a caramel sundae. I also wanted a caramel sundae and I had a 30% off coupon off of any quarter pounder (I chose the double quarter pounder). When I returned we ate our sundaes together and she said to me, “You are so kind to me." to which I replied, “Thank you but I am also selfish.” I have to tell you that even sharing this story makes me want to qualify this confession with—now this isn’t a daily, weekly, or even a monthly thing, but the truth is that this depends on the month, week, or the day. Joanna often graciously says to me, “It’s ok if you want to go to Long John Silvers today”. I honestly don’t even know if I’m using quotation marks correctly here. If it is right it is because I asked Joanna or ChatGPT to let me know if I am since I don’t normally live in the quotation mark grammatical zone. I am also thankful that my antacids just neutralized my poor eating decision. Grace upon grace. Antacids cover over a multitude of sin. But I digress…

Part of worshipping in Spirit and Truth means that we have to be honest with ourselves before God and man. This is what we may have had in mind when we chose to keep the lyric “We lift our hands to You and come as we are. You make our minds renewed and open our hearts.” during our co-writing session with Coby.

In the song Seen God I wrote, “And it seems at times He’s distant and left us here to struggle on our own. Oh and after all we’ve been through I’d swear that He had left us here alone.” When I hear or sing that lyric I’m often reminded of how close we were to seeing our marriage end before it had barely begun and how content I was to let her be the reason. I’ll never forget being so tapped out one day 6 months in with nothing in my mind to say that could solve our problems that I asked her to pray, not because I was so spiritual, but because I was so desperate for God to do something. We weren’t praying regularly along the way at that time. We were for the most part trying to do it in our own strength and wisdom; however, it was in that moment that the line, “Oh but at the most peculiar times He rolls away the stone, and we feel Him in our midst, and in our hearts we know. We have seen God…” became real to us. God brought our marriage from death to life in that moment, through that we have nothing left but you kind of prayer. He’s brought us through many moments since, and this has been by God’s grace. I want to say that we are now awesome at keeping our eyes on Him as a couple, but I honestly feel like I’m average at best. I often wonder why I have this tendency to go on autopilot in life when I know the stakes are so high-especially in marriage.

Why am I saying all of this? Maybe you are wondering right now why God didn’t show up for you in a certain situation when you were falling short. Sometimes I wonder that too when people share their redemptive God stories with me. I am sharing these things because I don’t want any new believer or struggling believer to think they could never be like me. The truth is, if there was a goodness competition between me and you I’d probably lose. I mean maybe I have a few good areas I could best you in, but… Just kidding! I am saying these as a way to say please forgive me if I’ve made you think otherwise. If you’ve ever believed that I am anything more than a sinner shown mercy by God and saved by the unmerited favor or grace He has given to me, I am genuinely sorry.

It’s easy to give off the holy vibes in ministry. Don’t get me wrong. I genuinely do want to be holy. I want to know where I am wrong and God is right and adjust my life to His plans and design for me. 1 Peter 1:15-16 says we are called to live holy lives and even expected to live holy lives; “But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, ‘You shall be holy, for I am holy.’” (ESV) Holiness is within our reach because of the empowerment we receive from God through the Holy Spirit, but I also know that I am a work in progress. So I genuinely know in my heart that I am a better man/spouse/father/friend because of the Holy Spirit’s work in my life, but at the same time I can see that the more I know of God the more I become aware of how much I am missing the mark.

I had an unbelieving friend tell me once after sharing some of my failings that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because everyone knows nobody’s perfect, but in reality I’ve learned the opposite is true. When I recognized that I could rest in God’s grace as a sinful man who is seeking Him, I found the peace and freedom that I could never find through pretending I was perfect, just being ok with not being perfect, or just not caring and doing whatever I pleased. At the same time I find myself more poised to live in holiness from this posture and place of humble understanding. One of my favorite confessions in the Bible is from the Apostle Paul who was absolutely done with pretending he was perfect. “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7:24-25a (ESV)

Because of Jesus and only because of Jesus I am an eternal optimist. Thanks be to God there is hope for all of us because of Him. No matter who you are, where you’ve come from, or what you’ve done. Placing your faith in God’s love and power shown and given to us through Christ’s death and resurrection can change you from the inside out.

As always, I am so thankful that you took your time to read this today. I’d love to hear you comments. Joanna did proof read this instead of ChatGPT, so if there are any errors in my grammar you can message her. 😂

In blessed fellowship,

Matt